Sunday, December 20, 2009
Lady Ga Ga's "Bad Romance"
This was the most cleaned up version of Lady Ga Ga's "Bad Romance" tune that I could find that was not embedded. The best cleaner version is her performing this song on X-factor. She is actually a really good dancer and this does not do that part justice. In most of her video's she is pretty much naked so I thought it to be a little too racy to post that here.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My trip to books a million
Keep in mind that it is in my deepest misery that I write the WORST blogs. Sorry, i really don't mean to offend anyone.
So, here is the story. Tonight I went to Books-A-Million basically just to kill time and look for some psychology related materials. Okay, I am not exaggerating when I say: the "How to" Sex books were jammed right up next to the psych section. So, it is a bit of a distraction NOT to glance over at the covers of some of these books. What ever happened to Sociology being next to the psych books? Has it been stripped of a subject now, like poor Pluto who lost its status as a planet? I did not pull these books out and examine them..........no really I did not. But I read titles and just stood there laughing. One title struck me as humorous: "365 sexual positions." I have a few thoughts on this experience folks. Here is my inner chatter........
1."what the hell?"
2. NO human being should be THAT limber, what? Do these people like turn into tofu noodles after midnight?
3. No human being should be able to wrap their leg around their neck, drape it under their buttocks, and still be capable of sucking their elbow, or any other extremities...........that is not normal.
4. Uhhh I just read "Sex for dummies" and that does not go there.
5. And I thought Dr. Ruth was perverted. Dude! she ain't got nothing on these "whipper snappers"....punt intended. Dr. Ruth. what a perv! she was so sex obsessed she could celebrate a bad case of Gonorrhea as a minor set back to liberally expressing ones sexuality. I think she had no problem with people expressing themselves on anything that moved..........I sooo wanted to call in and say to that old hen: "Oh, Dr Ruth, I keep having these uncontrollable fantasies while I am making love, of being ravaged by a porcupine. What do you think I should do Dr. Ruth? I don't know how long I can suppress this urge, if I act on this do you think we should use a condom.......and oh I just love your show.
(Back to inner chatter)
6. Chains are not for human usage (that is what normal people use rope for).
7. Secondly, chains are meant for dog walking, NOT strapping your significant other to the kitchen plumbing while baking their butt in a conventional oven. Why do the lyrics Chestnuts roasting on and open fire come bouncing through my head? Ahhh the holiday spirit........too much eggnog.
8. Motor oil is only meant to lubricate ones car engine!
9. Hmmm.....Tube.....must be Preparation H.....Must have a hemorrhoid condition.
10. Whips? (detour from chatter) I have a story about that. I went to the circus with a friend of mine a few yrs ago. And the circus clown had a handful of whips and was walking around trying to sell them to the audience. He was circling like a vulture over this blonde chic in front of us, determined to sell her a whip. Why are men sometimes just plain retarded? ME, a total bystander, could see that this chic was NOT amused at all by the perverted circus clown. Dear god, he was just creepy! She was all but laughing in his face but he obviously missed the boat and mistook her "get real you are a circus clown" look as a sexual invitation. She left. I laughed.
(back to inner chatter)
11. I hope you have a good chiropractor because you gotta be throwing something out of whack.
12. and geeze I thought I needed therapy......however, I think these people have had TOO MUCH therapy!
13. I hope you don't have to go to the emergency room to pull your leg out of there. If this is a magic sex show they got the disappearing leg thing down pat.
14. I hope somebody slaps a warning sign somewhere cuz some dumbass is gonna get hurt and sue.
15. OMG. That grandma thinks her cake mixer is a sex toy. (gasp)
Okay, that was totally crass and uncalled for, but I am so freakin miserable that I have to dream up this insanity to entertain myself........sad really. Just so yall know...... I made up all that crap (except for that one title 365 positions that was an actual title)..........none of that were pictures. I did not open any of those books. It was just stupid stuff floating around in my deranged mind.....scary I know.
So, here is the story. Tonight I went to Books-A-Million basically just to kill time and look for some psychology related materials. Okay, I am not exaggerating when I say: the "How to" Sex books were jammed right up next to the psych section. So, it is a bit of a distraction NOT to glance over at the covers of some of these books. What ever happened to Sociology being next to the psych books? Has it been stripped of a subject now, like poor Pluto who lost its status as a planet? I did not pull these books out and examine them..........no really I did not. But I read titles and just stood there laughing. One title struck me as humorous: "365 sexual positions." I have a few thoughts on this experience folks. Here is my inner chatter........
1."what the hell?"
2. NO human being should be THAT limber, what? Do these people like turn into tofu noodles after midnight?
3. No human being should be able to wrap their leg around their neck, drape it under their buttocks, and still be capable of sucking their elbow, or any other extremities...........that is not normal.
4. Uhhh I just read "Sex for dummies" and that does not go there.
5. And I thought Dr. Ruth was perverted. Dude! she ain't got nothing on these "whipper snappers"....punt intended. Dr. Ruth. what a perv! she was so sex obsessed she could celebrate a bad case of Gonorrhea as a minor set back to liberally expressing ones sexuality. I think she had no problem with people expressing themselves on anything that moved..........I sooo wanted to call in and say to that old hen: "Oh, Dr Ruth, I keep having these uncontrollable fantasies while I am making love, of being ravaged by a porcupine. What do you think I should do Dr. Ruth? I don't know how long I can suppress this urge, if I act on this do you think we should use a condom.......and oh I just love your show.
(Back to inner chatter)
6. Chains are not for human usage (that is what normal people use rope for).
7. Secondly, chains are meant for dog walking, NOT strapping your significant other to the kitchen plumbing while baking their butt in a conventional oven. Why do the lyrics Chestnuts roasting on and open fire come bouncing through my head? Ahhh the holiday spirit........too much eggnog.
8. Motor oil is only meant to lubricate ones car engine!
9. Hmmm.....Tube.....must be Preparation H.....Must have a hemorrhoid condition.
10. Whips? (detour from chatter) I have a story about that. I went to the circus with a friend of mine a few yrs ago. And the circus clown had a handful of whips and was walking around trying to sell them to the audience. He was circling like a vulture over this blonde chic in front of us, determined to sell her a whip. Why are men sometimes just plain retarded? ME, a total bystander, could see that this chic was NOT amused at all by the perverted circus clown. Dear god, he was just creepy! She was all but laughing in his face but he obviously missed the boat and mistook her "get real you are a circus clown" look as a sexual invitation. She left. I laughed.
(back to inner chatter)
11. I hope you have a good chiropractor because you gotta be throwing something out of whack.
12. and geeze I thought I needed therapy......however, I think these people have had TOO MUCH therapy!
13. I hope you don't have to go to the emergency room to pull your leg out of there. If this is a magic sex show they got the disappearing leg thing down pat.
14. I hope somebody slaps a warning sign somewhere cuz some dumbass is gonna get hurt and sue.
15. OMG. That grandma thinks her cake mixer is a sex toy. (gasp)
Okay, that was totally crass and uncalled for, but I am so freakin miserable that I have to dream up this insanity to entertain myself........sad really. Just so yall know...... I made up all that crap (except for that one title 365 positions that was an actual title)..........none of that were pictures. I did not open any of those books. It was just stupid stuff floating around in my deranged mind.....scary I know.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Just babbling
It has been a long time since I have put up a post. Lots of reasons for that. Basically, I am a very disturbed person and I am not sure how some people receive my weirdness. Sometimes I get in these moods though, and just throw caution to the wind and hope yall still love me in the morning.......sounds like a one night stand doesn't it? I like kwirky, disturbed people actually........but I do not like myself at all. Is that an oxymoron? If you have not figured out by my blog posts that I AM an oxymoron, hmmmm you missed me.
Some things I think are so disturbing that I believe people perceive that perhaps I am being a drama queen. So, I try to spare the world of too much of myself.....thus the silence. But, today I decided to be overly dramatic perhaps and say: If I did not believe in heaven or hell I would have snuffed the life out of myself long before now. I am wasted on the inside. What would I give to be numb? And then the question becomes, "what if I spend my whole life in this misery and still end up in the basement of purgatory or in some god forsaken burning hole in the universe. It seems that there is some side of God that likes the idea of torturing people. Frankly, I live in enough hell on Earth and if God decides to cast me out I am going to be really pissed and flip him off.........yeah so that was irreverent.
I love this particular character on a television show I watch. He is very weird and very disturbed. I watch this show and laugh at myself because he is such a pessimist. He is like the poster boy for pessimism. The flow of the dialogue can be totally upbeat and cheery and bang he throws in this harsh statement that is true but very bleak. His colleagues stand there with their mouths open and then you see this "O.k well, moving right along" look on everyone's face while they are picking their jaws up from the floor. I mean everybody will be in their happy place and he throws in some long spill about plunging out the window to his death, or quoting suicide rates and death statistics.
Speaking of the deranged.......I have a confession to make. I love lady Ga Ga. I know. Don't say it. I have lost my mind. I would NOT recommend her music to the masses I can tell ya. It is morally repugnant, repulsive, and quiet offensive, but other than that there is not a real problem. (that was sarcasm by the way) Okay, I could do without the racy lyrics, but that is not what I like about the overall Lady Ga Ga experience. It is those strange outfits, weird videos and some of those grab ya lyrics. Let me clarify that because some of the lyrics are over the top.......too far.
I like this song bad romance. It starts off saying I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as its free, I want your drama, I want your love. blah blah....you and me could write a bad romance. I want your revenge, I want your psycho, I want your horror.........This song is very twisted so what is my attraction to it? I guess maybe it is that this song is so real. Some people escape this cycle of life where they respect themselves enough to draw lines and refuse to put up with someone who will abuse and use them. Then there are those who look for love everywhere but the church choir ya know? I mean isn't this sometimes the way life goes? Basically this song is saying: I am willing to head straight for a train wreck if you love me for a little while BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
Disclaimer: I could not read this blog without assuming the author must be in a bad romance or on some heavy medication. But, in this case you would be wrong. I am simply recalling a few past train wrecks. You know, drug rehab should never become your e-harmony. If you meet your husband or wife in the slammer that is another bad place to pick up a mate. Don't follow people from the grocery store home......that is a disaster. Never fall for hot, kind-hearted pastors....catastrophe. Hot and pastor is that an oxymoron? And I would not suggest stalking a potential mate that is just not in to you. Lastly, don't stake out your gynecologist's office.......that's just way too taboo.
Now there is a blog for ya. I said everything in one huge sweep here. I will leave it up to your imagination as to which one of those bad romances has anything to do with me personally. I write so much BS here sometimes it is a wonder any of you come back here after one read. I would run........saying "that is a psycho." A lot of what I say I just do it to shock people. But, sometimes I throw the real me in the midst of the bull.
Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into
So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into
So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
Some things I think are so disturbing that I believe people perceive that perhaps I am being a drama queen. So, I try to spare the world of too much of myself.....thus the silence. But, today I decided to be overly dramatic perhaps and say: If I did not believe in heaven or hell I would have snuffed the life out of myself long before now. I am wasted on the inside. What would I give to be numb? And then the question becomes, "what if I spend my whole life in this misery and still end up in the basement of purgatory or in some god forsaken burning hole in the universe. It seems that there is some side of God that likes the idea of torturing people. Frankly, I live in enough hell on Earth and if God decides to cast me out I am going to be really pissed and flip him off.........yeah so that was irreverent.
I love this particular character on a television show I watch. He is very weird and very disturbed. I watch this show and laugh at myself because he is such a pessimist. He is like the poster boy for pessimism. The flow of the dialogue can be totally upbeat and cheery and bang he throws in this harsh statement that is true but very bleak. His colleagues stand there with their mouths open and then you see this "O.k well, moving right along" look on everyone's face while they are picking their jaws up from the floor. I mean everybody will be in their happy place and he throws in some long spill about plunging out the window to his death, or quoting suicide rates and death statistics.
Speaking of the deranged.......I have a confession to make. I love lady Ga Ga. I know. Don't say it. I have lost my mind. I would NOT recommend her music to the masses I can tell ya. It is morally repugnant, repulsive, and quiet offensive, but other than that there is not a real problem. (that was sarcasm by the way) Okay, I could do without the racy lyrics, but that is not what I like about the overall Lady Ga Ga experience. It is those strange outfits, weird videos and some of those grab ya lyrics. Let me clarify that because some of the lyrics are over the top.......too far.
I like this song bad romance. It starts off saying I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as its free, I want your drama, I want your love. blah blah....you and me could write a bad romance. I want your revenge, I want your psycho, I want your horror.........This song is very twisted so what is my attraction to it? I guess maybe it is that this song is so real. Some people escape this cycle of life where they respect themselves enough to draw lines and refuse to put up with someone who will abuse and use them. Then there are those who look for love everywhere but the church choir ya know? I mean isn't this sometimes the way life goes? Basically this song is saying: I am willing to head straight for a train wreck if you love me for a little while BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
Disclaimer: I could not read this blog without assuming the author must be in a bad romance or on some heavy medication. But, in this case you would be wrong. I am simply recalling a few past train wrecks. You know, drug rehab should never become your e-harmony. If you meet your husband or wife in the slammer that is another bad place to pick up a mate. Don't follow people from the grocery store home......that is a disaster. Never fall for hot, kind-hearted pastors....catastrophe. Hot and pastor is that an oxymoron? And I would not suggest stalking a potential mate that is just not in to you. Lastly, don't stake out your gynecologist's office.......that's just way too taboo.
Now there is a blog for ya. I said everything in one huge sweep here. I will leave it up to your imagination as to which one of those bad romances has anything to do with me personally. I write so much BS here sometimes it is a wonder any of you come back here after one read. I would run........saying "that is a psycho." A lot of what I say I just do it to shock people. But, sometimes I throw the real me in the midst of the bull.
Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into
So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into
So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you
I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl
Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around
Friday, December 11, 2009
?
Some of you have been wondering where I am. I'm not sure how to answer that. I keep withdrawing from everyone and everything. I am still not working and right now I am an emotional wreck and I am not sure how productive I could be anyway. It is dark in here and I am too weak right now to even talk about it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Singing the Saturday afternoon blues
It is Saturday. Why am I blogging? I am blogging because I am not working. Today is usually the day I have to take David to his dialysis appointment. On a normal day I would be leaving the clinic and be driving him to Sonic for a hamburger right about now. I saw him only for a few brief moments this morning. I went into work today thinking it to be my last day. When I got to the home, there was already a new trained staff there so I left. I must admit I feel so lost that I don't know which end is up. Honestly, I feel like a little kid whose puppy just died.
Nathan told me I should blog about something that happened with David about 6 weeks ago. This was during those weeks that we were getting a lot of flooding in the South. I had left David's to go pick up him some food for dinner. He did not want to go with me so he stayed home and I went to a fast food place. (He is only allowed 2 hrs per day in the house alone) Well, during the drive back to David's it started raining. It was raining so hard that I could hardly see the road to drive and it showed no signs of stopping. So I pulled into David's driveway thinking, "oh, gosh I don't want to get out of this car." I look up about that same time and here comes David out the back door to meet me with an umbrella. Now, my heart just melted at that moment.
However, the story turned out to be very comical. You would have to see the way his place is set up to understand what I am going to attempt to explain. David, in haste had opened the umbrella while still underneath the back porch. And it is a screened in porch so the umbrella (that he attempted to hand me) got jammed in the doorway. And this whole time it is raining so hard that it feels like someone is standing over me with buckets of water and dumping them on my head. The good news was David got a dry hamburger. The bad news was I got another shower for the day. That one however was laced with filthy ozone layer poisonings. My clothes were so soaked that I had to put them in the dryer. I was drenched head to toe.
I remember standing there soaked and thinking to myself, "it was worth getting soaked for, just to see David come out with that umbrella." And that's the sweet soul he is. I am going to miss him.
Nathan told me I should blog about something that happened with David about 6 weeks ago. This was during those weeks that we were getting a lot of flooding in the South. I had left David's to go pick up him some food for dinner. He did not want to go with me so he stayed home and I went to a fast food place. (He is only allowed 2 hrs per day in the house alone) Well, during the drive back to David's it started raining. It was raining so hard that I could hardly see the road to drive and it showed no signs of stopping. So I pulled into David's driveway thinking, "oh, gosh I don't want to get out of this car." I look up about that same time and here comes David out the back door to meet me with an umbrella. Now, my heart just melted at that moment.
However, the story turned out to be very comical. You would have to see the way his place is set up to understand what I am going to attempt to explain. David, in haste had opened the umbrella while still underneath the back porch. And it is a screened in porch so the umbrella (that he attempted to hand me) got jammed in the doorway. And this whole time it is raining so hard that it feels like someone is standing over me with buckets of water and dumping them on my head. The good news was David got a dry hamburger. The bad news was I got another shower for the day. That one however was laced with filthy ozone layer poisonings. My clothes were so soaked that I had to put them in the dryer. I was drenched head to toe.
I remember standing there soaked and thinking to myself, "it was worth getting soaked for, just to see David come out with that umbrella." And that's the sweet soul he is. I am going to miss him.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME READERS. IF YOU ARE A DEVOUT RELIGIOUS PERSON MIGHT I SUGGEST THAT YOU NOT READ THIS BLOG. I am going to process a lot of things in this blog and I know and trust the handful of you that read my blog, with the real me. There are a few of you that are real Christians not religious folks and I appreciate and welcome your prayers, thoughts, comments, and anything you have to say. So just know that none of my following smartass comments will be directed at you. But I am going to put any religious vampires out there on public notice if you smart off on this blog I'll cuss your ass out. Go sink your fangs into someone else's neck. Exactly what do I mean by religious vampires?.......they suck the life out of you in the name of God: Here is my latest poem about all that:
Religious vampires! You suffocate love in the name of the Father.
You leave your victims filled with hate.
Hate for the God whose nature is cavalier and vain.
You have pierced your fangs deep into my veins.
While I am still screaming that I can't bleed anymore.
You have left me bloodless, lifeless, pale, and limp in the hands of a cruel taskmaster that brings me no joy or peace. No freedom. No release.
I am faceless. I am nameless. Your scorn is shameless.
I feel your hot blood-drenched breath breathing its contempt down my neck.
You suck the life out of decaying prey.
All my images of the good shepherd, still waters, and green pastures have fossilized before my frail eyes.
His tenderness was alive somewhere in the midst of the drenching sadness.
His arms were a shelter from all the madness.
God rest my barren soul.
Many many things that have happened the last few days inspired that writing. I went to church today after a very long time of not going at all. Like i think that was the first time i have been in a church in over 2 yrs and it has been maybe 8 yrs sense I have attended on a regular basis. After this service today I realized what I have been missing......not much. That sounds so cynical, i know. Even I questioned my "religious sanity" while sitting there in church thinking, "I would rather be home watching TV." Where is God if He is not in church? Is that a dumb question? Because sometimes I think that is the last place Jesus could be found if He was walking through town.
Of course I realize that is not entirely true. Jesus meets honest and open people everywhere not just in a church building. I am also not one of these people who believe that the Lone Ranger mentality is a good thing. There are many benefits and a lot of stability that comes from being among a group of believers. I don't go to church with the sour attitude that the whole place is full of hypocrites. Other people's faults and hypocrisy never drove me out of church.......actually my own hypocrisy drove me out of church. I am not concerned with what so-n-so is doing. I am more concerned with me and what I am doing.
I always sit in the very back at any church i attend. Maybe I am a back row baptist. (I don't claim denomination. I just like the phrase.) So i was sitting back there today reading the words on the projector that the praise leader was singing.........words like: "I surrender all. All to thee my blessed savior. I surrender all." Or words like: "Lord I give you my heart. Lord I give you my soul. Lord I live for You alone. Every breath that I take every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me." I am big on saying what I mean and meaning what I say or shutting up. So I was not singing or raising my hands or doing any of the proper things that one who loves God should do in church. I was just sitting there looking around the room thinking to myself, "I remember when these words came from the depths of me. I remember when I could sing these songs to God and mean them."
Maybe I looked really nonspiritual.....carnal, but I did not care. I just can't go bellow out something that I am pretty sure me and God both know that I don't mean right now. I can't pretend. This is one of the reasons i hate church really. I see people mouthing these words while looking around the room, or scolding their kids at the same time and I just can't do that. Now I know how judgmental that probably sounded but my point is (not so much other people) but I can't get into that. I can't go to church and make no connection to God and say I have been to church. In my mind that is not going to church that is keeping a ritual. And I am not knocking people who do keep rituals and that is as deep as they go........maybe that is okay for them, but that is not okay for me.
I sit there thinking, "Man I really need God. I really need God to move in my heart. I need God to help me surrender myself. I need God to actually do something tangible to my heart. I don't want to shout or scream that God has touched me.....I just want God to BE ABOUT TOUCHING ME. The pastor must have went through a 20 question test today, if you are spirit filled raise your hand, if you blah blah blah raise your hand. I sit through the whole quiz lifeless......no hand raising. UNTIL he asked, "How many of you are sick of playing church? Raise your hand." That was the only question I could honestly answer.
I am tired of the whole ritual. I need God. I have a hole on the inside of me that seems to be unfulfillable. I have an indescribable emptiness that haunts me from day to day. Lately I hate being alone with my thoughts. They torture me. I live with a sadness that I can't really explain to anyone because if they have never experienced it they would not believe me. My life is in a complete shambles and I don't even have the energy to utter a prayer to God. I open my mouth and it seems that all that comes out is dust. I have no strength of will or life in me to walk back to God. I need God draw near to me.
I voiced a lot of things here and lately I have heard from all directions (except from the people who I really trust) how I need to get myself together. How life in Africa and life in China is way worst than my petty problems and that I should be grateful and just get over it.........these comments were all from probably well meaning Christians who are just immature and probably need to just shut up. Two words that I personally have had to learn while putting my own not-so-religious, religious side to death. When you don't know what say......here's your sign............SHUT UP. Is it just me or has anyone else experienced Job's comforter's? Like, without fail you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder and some well meaning fanatic comes and drops the whole 500lb Torah on your head. When all else fails they are determined to solve your problem by making sure you are well acquainted with all 11 of the 10 commandments.
Do you ever just want to say, "Thank you dear saint of the Lord for that 2hr commentary on the commentary of the Old Testament survey. Now, I have a prophetic word from the Lord for you........ blow the Bible out your ass." Oops.......I meant to say that.
Religious vampires! You suffocate love in the name of the Father.
You leave your victims filled with hate.
Hate for the God whose nature is cavalier and vain.
You have pierced your fangs deep into my veins.
While I am still screaming that I can't bleed anymore.
You have left me bloodless, lifeless, pale, and limp in the hands of a cruel taskmaster that brings me no joy or peace. No freedom. No release.
I am faceless. I am nameless. Your scorn is shameless.
I feel your hot blood-drenched breath breathing its contempt down my neck.
You suck the life out of decaying prey.
All my images of the good shepherd, still waters, and green pastures have fossilized before my frail eyes.
His tenderness was alive somewhere in the midst of the drenching sadness.
His arms were a shelter from all the madness.
God rest my barren soul.
Many many things that have happened the last few days inspired that writing. I went to church today after a very long time of not going at all. Like i think that was the first time i have been in a church in over 2 yrs and it has been maybe 8 yrs sense I have attended on a regular basis. After this service today I realized what I have been missing......not much. That sounds so cynical, i know. Even I questioned my "religious sanity" while sitting there in church thinking, "I would rather be home watching TV." Where is God if He is not in church? Is that a dumb question? Because sometimes I think that is the last place Jesus could be found if He was walking through town.
Of course I realize that is not entirely true. Jesus meets honest and open people everywhere not just in a church building. I am also not one of these people who believe that the Lone Ranger mentality is a good thing. There are many benefits and a lot of stability that comes from being among a group of believers. I don't go to church with the sour attitude that the whole place is full of hypocrites. Other people's faults and hypocrisy never drove me out of church.......actually my own hypocrisy drove me out of church. I am not concerned with what so-n-so is doing. I am more concerned with me and what I am doing.
I always sit in the very back at any church i attend. Maybe I am a back row baptist. (I don't claim denomination. I just like the phrase.) So i was sitting back there today reading the words on the projector that the praise leader was singing.........words like: "I surrender all. All to thee my blessed savior. I surrender all." Or words like: "Lord I give you my heart. Lord I give you my soul. Lord I live for You alone. Every breath that I take every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me." I am big on saying what I mean and meaning what I say or shutting up. So I was not singing or raising my hands or doing any of the proper things that one who loves God should do in church. I was just sitting there looking around the room thinking to myself, "I remember when these words came from the depths of me. I remember when I could sing these songs to God and mean them."
Maybe I looked really nonspiritual.....carnal, but I did not care. I just can't go bellow out something that I am pretty sure me and God both know that I don't mean right now. I can't pretend. This is one of the reasons i hate church really. I see people mouthing these words while looking around the room, or scolding their kids at the same time and I just can't do that. Now I know how judgmental that probably sounded but my point is (not so much other people) but I can't get into that. I can't go to church and make no connection to God and say I have been to church. In my mind that is not going to church that is keeping a ritual. And I am not knocking people who do keep rituals and that is as deep as they go........maybe that is okay for them, but that is not okay for me.
I sit there thinking, "Man I really need God. I really need God to move in my heart. I need God to help me surrender myself. I need God to actually do something tangible to my heart. I don't want to shout or scream that God has touched me.....I just want God to BE ABOUT TOUCHING ME. The pastor must have went through a 20 question test today, if you are spirit filled raise your hand, if you blah blah blah raise your hand. I sit through the whole quiz lifeless......no hand raising. UNTIL he asked, "How many of you are sick of playing church? Raise your hand." That was the only question I could honestly answer.
I am tired of the whole ritual. I need God. I have a hole on the inside of me that seems to be unfulfillable. I have an indescribable emptiness that haunts me from day to day. Lately I hate being alone with my thoughts. They torture me. I live with a sadness that I can't really explain to anyone because if they have never experienced it they would not believe me. My life is in a complete shambles and I don't even have the energy to utter a prayer to God. I open my mouth and it seems that all that comes out is dust. I have no strength of will or life in me to walk back to God. I need God draw near to me.
I voiced a lot of things here and lately I have heard from all directions (except from the people who I really trust) how I need to get myself together. How life in Africa and life in China is way worst than my petty problems and that I should be grateful and just get over it.........these comments were all from probably well meaning Christians who are just immature and probably need to just shut up. Two words that I personally have had to learn while putting my own not-so-religious, religious side to death. When you don't know what say......here's your sign............SHUT UP. Is it just me or has anyone else experienced Job's comforter's? Like, without fail you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder and some well meaning fanatic comes and drops the whole 500lb Torah on your head. When all else fails they are determined to solve your problem by making sure you are well acquainted with all 11 of the 10 commandments.
Do you ever just want to say, "Thank you dear saint of the Lord for that 2hr commentary on the commentary of the Old Testament survey. Now, I have a prophetic word from the Lord for you........ blow the Bible out your ass." Oops.......I meant to say that.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
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